Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I would totally suck as a single mom.

In fact, some days I kinda suck as a mom-with-very-involved-husband-baby-daddy. Like today.

There are days where I'm all, I am an awesome mom. I just fixed homemade baby food. Read books. Practiced sign language. Did laundry. Went on a walk. Sucked out a nostril or two. Sang nursery rhymes. Practiced walking. Massaged teething gums. Took pictures. And then did it all over again.

But then, all it takes is a few hours of nuclear meltdown from Asher to make me feel like a failure. Actually, it doesn't even take full nuclear meltdown. Just a tantrum will do it. (And yes, I think my nine month old tantrums. He may not fully realize he's doing it, but he's doing something. Why else would he be stomping in the crib, screaming at the top of his lungs and his eyes be absent of tears? All of this only when I leave his sight, of course.)

So today, the poor kid is sick and I wanted to poke my eye balls out and rip my ears off if he cried for one more second.

Backstory: I had his nose perfectly clear after a 15-minute steam bath of play fun and date with the nasal sucker. I had him perfectly asleep snuggled up against me. I thought, I rock. This kid is going to get a great night's sleep and wake up feeling better. Night two of single parenthood (Rusty's sick as a dog) handled like a pro.

Then, I go to put him down in his bed. Screaming fit. Repeat all of that (minus the bath) three times and he's been asleep now for maybe three minutes in his crib. Five bucks says I have to stop this post to go start up round four.

Nights like this I wonder how my mom did it. My dad worked 24-hour shifts as a fireman. How on this lovely earth did she take care of me (and Joni!) by herself for 24-shifts? And work as a teacher with a classroom of kids all day? Mom, I applaud you more now than ever.

When these bad days happen, I feel my frustration come over me. The cloud of impatience arrives and I'm 100% ok with letting him crying it out (where did THAT come from?). I then shake my head in shame at myself. How can I be trusted with more kids if I cannot even handle one for a few nights when the poor thing is sick?

I hope that no one loses respect for me after reading this. I am already slapping myself on the wrist for not handling things better. Being a mom is so freaking hard. I just thought I'd have more patience. And maybe others have these issues but just don't speak out about it. These probably are things best left unsaid. But, I needed to vent. There. I did it.

Oh, and he's still asleep. My turn. Night night.


Meg said...

These are precious!

Denise said...

Oh, Kira. Maybe if someone is not a mom, they will not understand. But, as a first time mom to a little one, well said. Some days, I think, YES, I am really good and I have all this "mom stuff" down. Then....the bottom falls out and it is very much not under control. Frustration sets in from all the crying and lack of ability to make it better. Just the way it is :)

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