Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Just plain overwhelmed.

I've been so overwhelmed lately.

Hence, the silence on my blog.

I keep thinking it's just a season, and it'll pass and things will quiet down. But it doesn't really seem to be happening that way.

Then, I think about people who are *really* overwhelmed -- like the Momma of the little boy I follow on Facebook whose brain was crushed by a tree limb at daycare -- and I think that I'm just being ridiculous and should suck it up. There are people out there with *real* obstacles and challenges and hurts and fears that are *really* far more overwhelmed than me.

For our health and good fortune. For our bouncing (wild) boys and my patient husband. For our supportive families and awesome friends. For all of these I'm blessed and thankful. And I remind myself of this often. And when I get really flustered I give myself this, "Kira. Get a grip. Deal." speech. So far, it's decent.

In reality though, it's been a busy time here. Busy in good and not-so-good ways, but nothing terribly terrible.

Work is keeping me so beyond busy. There are days I don't know which end is up, my to-do list is ignored for some new emergency and I'm certain that my teammates are thinking, "Seriously? This woman owns a company?"  I worry that I'm letting people down and dropping balls and stretching myself too thin. But, I am honest about things and just try to do the best I can. (And we've launched some great new work with some really awesome stuff on the horizon.) I just don't want to alienate everyone I love along the way.

Then there's life stuff. Like the fact our old house hasn't sold and the buyer we had backed out right at the last minute. And we're trying to carry multiple mortgages without freaking out.

There have been goodbyes. Rusty's Grammy passed away several weeks back. She was in hospice and everyone did all they could to keep Grandpop by her side during her last days. And next week, we'll travel to Arlington to bury her at the National Cemetery.

See, while writing this it doesn't seem like I should be all that overwhelmed. It seems manageable on paper (well, screen). It's life stuff.

I should have started this post with a this-is-a-stream-of-consciousness-warning.

And these boys, whew. They do overwhelm me - in a good way. Elias is far braver than Asher at this age. And far louder. And far clingier. And Asher doesn't stop talking. Ever. He also has very important opinions about everything (NO! DON'T CUT MY STRAWBERRIES!) And shares them with us frequently. They both suck at car rides now. But, Asher's potty-trained so that's pretty stinking awesome. And Elias toddles around in the cutest way making the cutest faces.

I just get flustered far too easily when they are both whiny and tired or wild and rambunctious or I'm tired and they aren't. I snap and I yell and then I feel bad (or sometimes I don't). And I think, "I bet those moms who have lost a child would do anything to hear all this commotion." Yes, that's kind of dramatic, but it's true. And I give thanks for my blessings and I take a deep breath.

I'm tired. All the time.
I'm working. All the time.
I'm mothering. All the time.
Cleaning. Folding. Wiping. Straightening.
Thinking about the boys.
Thinking about the houses.
Thinking about upcoming trips and events.
Thinking about packing.
Thinking about my marriage.
Thinking about my company.
And my clients.
And my teammates.
And our work.
And the boys, the boys, the boys, the boys.
My brain needs rest.

There never seems to be much time for just me. And certainly not enough for me and Rusty. I haven't seen my best friend and her baby girl in weeks. I have barely touched the shows on my DVR. I haven't taken meals to my friends with new babies that I swore to myself I'd make time for. I haven't found a church for us to visit. I haven't found Asher a lunch bag for preschool. My bathroom still needs painting. I keep meaning to mail care packages and write hand-written notes to people I love most.

But instead, I struggle awake. I cram a lot in a day. I get the kids to bed. I cram in some more. And I crash. Late. Seriously, I don't think this is how I want my days to go.

So, this is either a season of work-is-busy and my kids-are-young-and-need-a-lot-of-me. Or I'm just doing something wrong along the way. I need more friend time. More down time. More husband time. More family time without work peeking into my brain.

And I need to feel less overwhelmed. More in the now and less in the what's-happening-around-me. I need to find time to write down my thoughts. To organize our stories. To connect with me. And Rusty and our kids.

And quiet my brain a little.

That's all.

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