Be still. And know.

 

What if pain - like love - is just a place brave people visit? - Glennon Doyle

Warning. I'm going to ramble.

I've spent the last few weeks thinking a lot. 

A lot about me. Kira. 

Not the mom. Not the wife. Not the friend. Not the teacher or the business owner. But myself. 

I've done a lot of  (private) writing. I've lost myself in music and lyrics (one of my favorite places).

It became clear to me that I sometimes need to feel big feelings. Kira feelings. 

This blog turned away from my thoughts and writing as a form of feeling to tackling issues critical to my family. And while those things are important and this platform has helped many, I need to also think of myself. I need to not lose myself in the chaos that is daily life. 

Feel.

Be still. And know.

Writing opens up my heart. My soul. It's almost as if my entire body responds in this bizarre way when I know I'm writing about something important to me.

I stumbled upon all of my old journals the other day. Tucked away in an old drawer. Found while unpacking and hunting for something else. Even years ago, I wrote. I found words from others that spoke to me and recorded them. I took the time to feel. 

Good feels. Bad feels. Sad feels. Happy feels. Lost feels. Found feels. 

Rather than being irritated with myself for letting go of this means of self-preservation, I'm going to focus on it. I'm going to focus more on me going forward. 

This year has taught me many lessons. As have years past. I want to look back and know that I allowed myself to time and space and ways to just be me. Kira. Minus the other labels. 

Which leads me to these words. They may not make sense to anyone but me, but that's ok.

To be the best wife, I need to be the best Kira. 

To be the best friend, I need to be the best Kira. 

To be the best mom, I need to be the best Kira. 

To be the best family member, I need to be the best Kira. 

And to be the best Kira my current mantra is to feel. Listen to that song and feel. Read that book and feel. Look around me and feel. Write and feel. 

Be still. And know. 

The best Kira may feel like the worst at times, but that's ok. Living means feeling. Emotions mean living. 

As my favorite Glennon Doyle says, "We can do hard things." 

I'm re-reading Untamed (seriously, go read this book and find yourself). I want to highlight something on every page. It's everything. 

"Being human is not about feeling happy, it's about feeling everything."

Each chapter I'm treating as a lesson. A lesson to life. To living. Truly living. To feeling everything. 

"I have learned if I want to rise, I have to sink first. I have to search for and depend upon the voice of inner wisdom instead of voices of outer approval."

And finally, for tonight. 

"I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution."

For those who know me and love me, have no fear. I'm not spiraling into some dark place. I'm in a place of intentional growth. 

I'm taking the time to just say what feels right. Even if it makes zero sense to anyone but me. And maybe a few others. 

I'm still. Some things I know. Some I'm learning. And it feels good to just sit with my feelings.