#41: That 41st Year

Come and see

I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles

Oh, I'm coming slow, but speeding

Do you wish a dance and while

I'm in the front

The play on time is won

Oh, but the difficulty's coming here

I will go in this way

And find my own way out

I won't tell you to begin

But I'm coming to much more

Me

#41 DMB

This, of any year before, feels like a year that requires a tribute. Details. The story. The good, bad, ugly and gorgeous. As I wrapped up my 41st year and prepared to celebrated my 41st birthday this past weekend, there was so much on my mind. On my heart. 

I'm still on this journey of getting back to me. And I'm getting there. Part of that is telling the story of what led me to need to put this focus where I am -- on Kira. Not wife. Not mom. Not anything but just me. 

We can do hard things. 

And I think I've done more hard things this past year than perhaps any year before it. I want to celebrate the things I'm proud of. Of what I accomplished. To look back years from now, remember that year a pandemic took over the globe, shook our world, our families, my family, my core -- and I came out stronger. 

It almost feels like childbirth, where you can't even remember the really hard parts. I try to think back on exactly a year ago and how different and terrifying things were. How my little routines were stomped on by a damn virus. How my family's safety was at risk in a whole new, even more scary way. 

And y'all somehow I didn't crumble. I kept my regular therapy appointments. I didn't dare adjust any meds. I was handling the chaos and the fear so far. Some may say otherwise, but I know inside my core, I was ok. I was not spiraling anywhere bad. I prepared and worried and prepared some more and worried some more, but I was ok. 

So, this, my 41st year -- in no particular order --

I said goodbye to my gall bladder and a hidden hernia. Surgery in the middle of a pandemic. Couldn't have the usual support of my mom and family. 

I pulled my kids from our school district and took a new path of a state online charter school. I chose consistency and the role of 'learning coach'. 

Built our dream home. Or, rather, dealt with the details. Packed up a rental home, ran two businesses, tried to be a learning coach, ditched the notion I could squeeze in preschool at home and moved into the dream home. During a pandemic, without the usual parade of help from family and friends because it just wasn't safe.

Watched my family beat COVID from a distance. Felt helpless. Scared. 

 I 'met' my new nephew from a hospital parking lot. How is that even acceptable? It was our reality.

Really met my new nephew masked up. Fell in love. Watched my sister become a mom. Wished I could be there more. 

Watched my boys adapt to the new reality of the world around them. Sheltered them from what they didn't need to know and informed them of what they did. 

Dyed my hair way too many crazy colors.

Cried. A lot. I missed everyone, but mostly my family. 

Missed, for the most part, Toliver's first year of life. 

Learned how to set boundaries and how to stand firm with them. If others didn't agree, that was on them. 

Watched the world crumble in so many painful ways. 

Cut a lot of hair. (Except my own.)

Sang a lot of songs. Found a lot of lyrics. Danced a lot of dances. 

Looked long and hard at life. Felt loss and sadness. Pondered how to process a lot of emotions while not losing the appreciation of the beauty around me.

I experienced a lot of holes in my heart and life. Some temporary, some permanent. 

Zoned out when I needed. 

I sleep way too little. But this brain just can't settle right now.

Made goals and failed to keep them. Made goals and kicked their asses.

Launched a startup company. During a pandemic. Watched it take off in ways we didn't expect. 

I felt a whole new kind of time suck. What is today? What was yesterday? Crap I missed a meeting. Wait. Did I? It's all a blur.

Became a super awesome mask shopper. And online shopper. And pick up shopper. 

Failed my kids too much with school and attention trying to keep two growing businesses going after experiencing big losses during the start of the pandemic. Felt guilty. But watched them really take ownership. 

I have felt so proud of my two school boys. They rocked it. We had our rough days, but seriously, they surpassed what I thought was possible. So proud. 

Netflix. Hulu. YouTubeTV. Repeat.

Developed a late night snacking habit. Which led to the COVID 19 weight gain. It's real, y'all. Hate it. Going to need to work on that.

Painted and found it peaceful. As in, legit tried painting. I wish I read more, though. 

Dealt with some painful, heartwrenching challenges with one of my boys and his mental health struggles. I set out to work to get him help, figure it out, support him (without triggering myself) and I think we have a good plan ahead but the results are unclear.

I forced myself to make tough decisions about school next year. 

I prayed a lot. 

I saw a lot of kindness. And lot of hatred. And I still worry about the state of our nation and the human race in general. Love each other, y'all. In whatever way that means for you. Just do it.

Video called like a crazy person. 

And gracious, I'm tired of Zoom.

Made the national nightly news on NBC.

I got vaccinated pretty early on for COVID-19 as a caregiver for a high risk child. The second shot was a doozy. Hurt to move, literally. Fever of 102+. Never felt that sick in my life. Thankful for the vaccine.

I had a birthday party, with a small group of friends and hugged them. Thank you, science. 

Hired a new Krobette to help because the exhaustion was more than I could tolerate any longer. And my kids needed more of me. I needed more of me. And now, Krobe needs more of me, too. 

Planted and landscaped our new yard with this vision in my head that turned out so perfect. And bought a lot (a lot) of house plants. 

Mostly, I look around and see all there is to love and smile about. But still working on me. 

Because after this long list of shit and shine that I tackled this year, I feel damn proud. 

Some things still sting. And those who know, know. 

Some things still make me smile just thinking about them. And those who know, know that too.

It's a year unlike any other. I'm grateful for our safety and health. I'm grateful for these boys (that includes you, Rusty) and this home. For family. For patience. For science. For frontline workers. For takeout food. For online shopping. For kids that have loved me through it all. For a husband that has stood by my side, our sides. For our businesses. For strength I didn't know I had. For not crumbling when it would have been so easy to. 

I don't know what this 42nd year of life holds. But I'm looking forward to it. I want to write. Read. Walk. Explore. Heal. Snuggle. Listen to my music. Feel it to my core. Welcome the feelings. Let things burn that need burning. Improve. And love, love, love, love.

XOXO,

41-year-old me

The space between

The tears we cry

Is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.